plot summary

date 30/10/2010 time 10:31

hey i really like you
really i like you too
really
yeh
you wanna go out
yeh sure
oops i cheated on you at leavers
really your a cunt we're not going out anymore

....what was the point

oad to the ghost of partys future

Hangovers the bane of anyones morning, the monster that lurks in the shadows constantly ready ever vigilant for that moment that you have one drink to much then BAM good bye breakfast. In this enlightened state of self loathing the question that eventually arises is why? why the hell do i put myself through this everytime. The answer is because its fun. When your drunk everyones your friend and you feel that you are the master of all things and for no other reason then because the rules dont apply to you any more then discovering "because" apparently isn't a good enough reason for mother nature when she kicks your ass all the way back to last tuesday. The worst thing about hang overs is there is no silver bullet no magic wand fix all you can do is wait it out and hope that the brass band banging away in your head gets tired soon. By no means is this kind of consistant stupidity a bad thing infact it is this same attitude that has aided humanity in its evolution for the apes. Why did columbas set of on a journey on a crappy wooden ship to find something that no one new was there Why did Louis Sebastien Lenormand decided to jump off a really tall building with a piece of cloth attached to his back. When asking any of either of these people why you would recieve one of three answers "I dont know", "because i can" or "why not"and it is because of this that we are where we are today Australia was only descovered because a dude hopped on a ship with some mates and said I wonder whats over there and this is why i figure i am completly justified in getting completly hammered simply because i might do something really dumb that could turn into a fantastic one of the most important events of our lifetime

boobs

there is just something magical about boobs big boobs little boobs black boobs yellow boobs white boobs their all just so fantastic evan boob is just fun to say.( seriously right now just say boob to yourself) why do we love boobs so much that is the question that man has asked himself above all else. to be honest i do not know why we love those voluptuous smooth perfectly rounded seeming impractical milk mellons that we find on girls chests'. From what i can understand it might have something to do with the fact that they are on girls. This fact is re-enforced by a issue that is spreading rapdily through out third world countrys and evan some western of course i am talking about moobs. This extreme turn off caused by third world countrys through poor living conditions is begining to spread i am even begining to see it in our well adjusted, healthy society where there was no cases of this kind of infection. Fanny a close friend of mine who i wont name came seemed to be born with this infection. This infection which can only be treated through grueling exercise. Recent survays say that only a small 5% of those infected have the capacity to recieve treatment as the other 95% couldn't find half an hour a day to go for a walk due to entertaining shows like master chef been on. A recent victim has attemted to file a law suit againt reality t.v show biggest looser because after watching the show for 3 years he hadn't lost a single kilogram. the law suit was almost successful except the victim was unable to make his court date due to a small flight of stairs infront of the court room. The winston university released a study that those infected with the moobs were 138% less likely to get with bitches. The head professer made the statement that though logically 100% was the maximum extent girls just seemed to be that turned off that we felt compelled to add the extra 38%. The final case i'd like to put forward was a recent suicide case. The man was suffering depression after a long lasting relationship recently ended due to his moobs. In the mans letter that was found in his hotel room he stated that he had loved his feet he had known them for aslong as he could remember in the months leading up to his diagnoses he had begun to see them less and less until one day they just vanished. The man could feel that they were around sometimes mainly when he got of the couch to get another beer or some more chips other then those brief moments he felt alone. Experts conclude from the letter that it was not infact his feet that drove him to the edge that was infact his car but still believe they had a large amount to do with it.

The extremly random nature of the events just described to you can be completly contributed to the presence of boobs on men so i pose to you this question how could something so great cause so much pain. I would like to take the next few lines to share with you my top ten names for those things we just love so much.

10. Ta Ta's
9. Gazonga's
8. Milk Mellons
7. Chick Cushions
6. The Twins
5. A Rack
4. Bazooka's
3. A Lady's Lovelys
2. Tits
1. BOOBS

Tenacious D - Kielbasa

enough said

yummy mummys

todays humour is not as simple as it was in middle school. Its no longer someone says a sentance with the the word penis or vagina. Today there appears to be a system of things you can and cant do and this system is seeming to surpass the simple if its funny laugh if its no still laugh but instead direct your laughter at the dick head who tried to be funny. In now days it seems to be a series of twisted mental acrobatics to try and draw some form of twisted meaning from what ever the dude sitting next to you just said and apply it to his mum being a slut. A favourite of mine is the famous
me: man you didn't see that coming

the jackass sitting next to me: your mum didnt see me cuming...last night

In this new system there seems to revolve around the introduction of two new people into the equation. The first kind is the scape goat on the joke and no matter what is said about them it always seems to be funny no matter how little sense the joke makes. Its amazing how every joke that people make about this guy it just always seems to be so god dam funny. No one would want to be in this position so what is done to ensure this person stays in this role there is a complete block made on all things said by the person which usually is just the person being told no.

The second person the king of the jokes is usually the one with the most to loose. I know personally in my group the man making all the your mums so hot i want to fuck her jokes is actaully the man with the hottest mum...and auntie. By him utilising these jokes he is able to block others from calling him on his own mum. In a way i can sympathise with him being forced to live in the shadow of a such a hot mum for no child young or old big or small can compete with a mum like. No matter what is done people always come away thinking "fuck something must of gorn wrong for someone like that to have a kid that looks like that...maby he was adopted.

In the end of all this I believe it is all those yummy mummy's faults out there causing children like young fancote such insecurity causing him to resort to lame as fuck your mum jokes which wern't even funny when everyone else was using them. The only way i can see of fixing this is just to let time slowly take its toll. Over time all those hot mums out there will slowly age into regular mums to saggy mums to grandmums then to dead mums. Unfortunatily this has been know to take a while so to avoid looking more like a dick next time you feel the need to make fun of you mates mum maybe tell a knock knock joke or an asian joke instead so atleast we can all have a laugh


p.s adam stop giving us fucking soccer updates no one cares how the republic of china went against the taliban espically in soccer and if we did cared we would just watch the game ourselves or record it your not the only one with a t.v

the list

1. 20 roots all different girls and must include atleast 1 black, asian and white girl.
2. join the mile high club
3. go sky-diving
4. go bungee jumping
5. consume a carton of beer in one day
6. get head whilst driving at a minimum speed of 60 km/h
7. go to bangkok and whilst there hit a asain in the balls and yell "BANGKOK!"
8. spend the night at the zoo with out being caught
9. drink bailey's from a shoe
10. one week without showering
11. climb a mountain minimum 4000 m
12. ride a bike nude for 1 km
13. destroy a computer
14. make a toast at a strangers wedding
15. start a mexican wave
16. ride a bull
17. set up a lemonade stand
18. race v8 super car
19. ask a stranger out to dinner
20. swim with sharks
21. run a marathon
22. ask out the girl of your dreams
23. do a back flip unassisted
    
    

porn

Porn is possibly one of the greatest inventions of all time. Think about it educational, brings couples together, helps mind and body and it is entertaining.

Yes ladies it is educational how do you think men learn all the different positions because it sure as shit doesnt come instinctivly. We learn from porn watching lots and lots of porn. How do you think we learn about the birds that fucked the bee's...from porn. Infact porn as become so intergrated into the educational system that that they are turning to use porn to teach subjects such sciences as biol and human biol. Teachers now assume that boys by the age of 12 know what a penis and vagina is. porn evan teach's math if the phallic shaped object is 5 cm wide and the virgins vagina is so wide but strechs another ..cm will the phallic object fit or if there are 4 penis's in the room and one chick and she is doing a spastic eagle how many more guys can join in?

Bringing couples together is a very large aspect of porn. personally i can say ever since i discovered this wonderful invention quite some time ago me and my right hand have never been closer. For the normal people though porn allows us to be more greatful for what you have as a couple because seriously after having one look at some of those whores not the young ones but like the older ones that have way to much make up on and everything is all saggy and shit espically down and i know i use this term to much but seriously like throwing a needle down like the fucking colosium...not pretty.

As porn becomes more and more common as you would expect so would masterbation one thing that hasnt been taken into account if the tone of mens arms. Now it isnt easy to tug away at the bad boy for a good 20 minutes flat out so you would expect some extra bulk in one arm. Now this is a real thing it is called bi lateral transfer and basically means that if one of your arms gets bigger so will the other not as big but it still wont be left behind completly. for those who arnt apidextress masterbation offers a great oppurtunity to fine tune motor skills in your off hand this may sound silly but seriously fellas give it a shot that shit is fucking hard. As far as mind goes dont you feel that much calmer after a good tug.

To end i would like to point out all the great things the porn industry has done for us. Girls shooting footballs out of there vagina, lady gaga, man shoving entire head into girls vagina, girl being fucked by horse and of course two girls one cup . Now i ask you to try and picture a would with out porn what would u do on a boring sunday afternoon when you have nothing to do study? i dont think so. So serioulsy next time your watching some porn and think to yourelf hey thanks for been such a dirty whore.

the ball

as i sit in my chair hung over to fuck a couple of regrets and questions spring to mind. First and for most what the fuck happened last night like seriously some one please fill me in on that one. second when it comes to drinking out of a funnel straight jack daniels or for that fact any kind of bouban probebly isn't the best choice in beverage. when using a funnel try using something nice and tasty like lemonade or something. third what the fuck happened last night. fourth what happened to my entire bottle of jack daniels because i didnt drink alll of it...surely. fifth apparently girls do not find it funny when u ask them where so and so is then they ask why and u reply because apparently she has huge tits and i wanna have a look. The last is that suits are awesome seriously how fucking good did I and i suppose we look last night. Personally i think thats what makes the ball special. Its every putting in the effort to look awesome because in all fairness the actual event was shit like for a good hour i just wanted to hang myself because i was that bored (The fact my date and i didnt talk the whole night didnt help) its not the pres and because i cannot remeber the afters it obviously wasnt memorable either. The one thing that i will always remeber though is looking in the mirror once i was ready and thinking "if i was a chick i would totally tap that". In conclusion to the Aquinas ball what i've achieved i have lost my limoginerty (seriously a tram what the fuck were they thinking), i have got the second worst hang over in my life, i have sucked roughly 12 baloons worth of helium and most importantly balls are right up there with the most over rated events ever right up there with new years eve and easter because you always wake up the next morning why the fuck did i do that

different types of drunks

when someone says ohh so and so his this kind of drunk and ohh him his such a so and so drunk I reckon that is complete bullshit except shehan who we all know every time he drinks somehow magically pisses 3 times his own body weight every hour. But as to what kind of drunk you are i reckon depends on who you are with and how you are feeling before u start drinking. but here is a basic brake down of the different kinds of drunks simply because im bored and cod stopped working.

1.the I love you man
2.depressed drunk
3.the agressive drunk

The I love you man drunk: this drunk is easy to spot because they are usually running around the party yelling "i love you man" and "your my best friend" to everyone they meet. when encountering this kind of drunk for Christ sake put your drinks somewhere safe when they try and put there arm around you sometimes they forget to stop running and what was ment to be a friendly gesture can turn into a clothes line. If they manage to stop still keep them drinks hidden because this is also a classic move the scab drinks which usually sounds like this" OH hey man is that ... never tried that can i have some" as harmless as this may sound your chances of seeing the bottle or can again is fairly limited. To get this drunk to move on the best approach is to pawn them off to someone else by say something along the lines of "hey an i think ...is looking for you he/she went that way" once they have left give it a second or two to make sure they are gorn then it is safe to comence drinking.

The depressed drunk: this kinda of drunk usually doesnt pose any for issue alsong as they are in low numbers. this kind of drunk enjoys sitting around feeling sorry for them selves and engaging in deep and meaningfuls and would love nothing more then to bring u down with them because one thing we can be sure of is misery loves company. when the numbers begin to increase and more and more people are slowly sapped into deep and meaningfuls this is when a problem arrises. Though little is known on how to overcome this issue one method i can assure from personal experence doesnt work is going up to one of these drunks and yelling at them to "CHEER THE FUCK UP YOU EMO BASTARD". Be warned logic does not work the only known way in which to couter act these drunks is by increasing the hype if the party through popular songs like tik tok, all the single ladies and love story(not my most inspired thought given but you get my point) and through the use of drinking games like beer pong and girl bikini mud wrestling.

The agressive drunk: this drunk i mainly occupied by males but dont be fooled girls sometimes can also jump on a war path and are not to be taken lightly a combination of sleep depredation, just been dumped and it just been that time of the month can create a lethal combination. with these types of drunks there is no settling just get out of the way or get run the fuck down. if they start on you dont swing back unless no other options are avalible if they are it is best just to forgive forget and get your arse out of there. If you swing back they will see this a challange a oppurtunity and you can bet that shit is about to go down. If you are bored at a party and dont and dont know or care about the person being started on gather around because there will a good show. Tatics if forced to confront the drunk will go for the coon swing nearly everytime this is very slow so it should be easy enough to dodge your main advantage is balance so if you are gonna swing back ur punches should follow through to try and knock the off balance once on the ground escaping is made easier and revenge can be taken out later that night once they are asleep through the use of a permant markers, some warm water/honey or if you believe in karma you can just let the hang over do its thing but to have the most fun a feather and some wipped cream is required ;).

i hope this helpful to everyone
(this guide is complete crap and nothing should be taken seriously also drink resposibly and limit yourself to 12 standard drinks a hour)

the death of the pick up line

(before i begin those of you who have a go at me about my spelling FUCK OFF)

we have all heard or atleast dreamt of the days where a man could go up to a girl with a witty pick up line like "hey babe i lost my teddy will u sleep with me" then the next thing u know it they be skipping off to the bedroom or another respective area and would go at it like rabbits. in current days everything unless ur some form of super human requires standard ground work before he would evan think about trying to find the balls to bust a move. this shift in times falls down to one possible explanation woman are begining to get to smart for our own good. over the past few decades multiple servays have included that the average self esteem measured in cpsi(cockyness per square inch) and average I.Q have been on the steady increase. this means one thing the number sluts,slappas and whores per square kilometre has decreased dramaticly. So what are we as males ment to do then? two options the first is to do nothng and allow trend to progress and before you know it we will all be stuck in commited relationships from the age of 2(not that theres anything wrong with that you know if ur into that kinda stuff thats ur choice) or the second option which is to fight back and stop this cancerous trend now. The next time ur walking past a girl and she says hi u tell her to go suck a dick when she asks does my but look big in this u reply hell yeh it does and finally and most important well u sleep with a girl for christ sake dont call her back. if we all bamd together we can bring back the golden days of the simple you, sex, now.

the clothing come back

reseantly i've been recieving several comebacks which involve insulting my clothes. Those of you who know me would know that as far as things that i care about my clothing is right down the bottom of the list. the most recent of these happened yesterday as the person progressed to tell me that my 3 year old nikes were infact uncool. Now im not new to been told this just not as a attempted insult usually its just a "dude you need new shoes" or something like that but this person went for broke and continued up to make fun of my black shorts and jumper that i found in my closet that morning. Now this isnt what pissed me off what did though is that everyone around thought it was a "sick burn". whilst i was just lef standing there thinking "what the fuck was that". I just got apparently owned by been told my clothes that i wore to a rowing regatta wernt "cool" enough. now this person knows who they are but seriously thats just weak. It reminded me of something two gay guys would say whilst bickering about whos new D&G sun glasses looked more FABULOUS. So to all those who mock mens clothing out there remeber this one thing the next time ur styling ur hair and putting on a pair of D&G underware no one cares. (yes that was ment to rhyme to make it sound more gay and i thought it would be cool)

fucking d&mers

you walk into a party theres ment to be like 40 people there u look around not a person to be seen u think ok i'll drop my shit in his room then figure out whats going on u go to open the door but its locked think to urself ok thats kool go to the next door its also locked getting a little pissed off go to the next door LOCKED by this time u figure out that nearly every door in the bloody house because there is some little anti social assholes fucking having a deep and meaningful. u think as the night goes on it'll get better but no as they get drunker it gets worse. whos life is so screwed up that they have the need to lock themselves in a room with someone else and just talk for like 5 hours. i'm all for talking out ur problems and shit but why do it at partys it is the most ridiculous thing ever thats what fucking sleep overs are for. If your problems are that bad sought it out like the rest of us with a bottle of stiff booze a friend and a fucking super nintendo. This whole d&ming bullshit is ruining partys needless to say its pissing me off then all the couples at a party taking in turns to sneak off to the bedroom for a quickie through out the night

the college fairy tale couple

The college fairtale couple, two people who have been together since school gotten married and spent the rest of their life together has got to be the saddest thing ever for both man and woman besides becoming a priest, sister or getting involved in some other form of religious sect. who on gods good green earth would want to eat(in this blog eat is a metaphore for have sex with) the same thing every single day for their whole life i mean in all fairness bacon hell evan grand angus's get old after a while. These couples usually say "its because we were made for each other" or something along a similar line but how do u know that the toast is better then the cerial if u have never tried it. So i ask you anyone who has been a one woman man their whole life man the fuck up dump her ass and go try something new. If you two where "made for each other" then u will fail miserably and u will come back to her knowing yep the toast is deffinatly better the cerial and in the end wont u be better off knowing that for certain.